Bert's Cooking Show
by SloTurtle Corp
Summary: Ever wandered how to correctly cook dwarf? Or what is the best recipe for Hobbit jelly? Well, you can learn all these thing and more on Bert's Cooking Show! Starring Bert the Troll! Don't forget to suggest what should be cooked next, or asked questions in the reviews!
1. Chapter 1

**A/n **

**Hey guys! I'm sorry that this is so late, or if it offends anyone. First off, YAY! First chapter of Bert's Cooking Show! A show about Bert the troll and his amazing...? recipes. Second, WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

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><p><span>Announcer:<span> Welcome to the all new Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!

_*Bert marches in, wearing a brand new apron & chef hat*_

Bert: 'Ello 'Ello! Glad to be 'ere tonigh'. I'm sure your guts're rumblin' for my 'omestyle cookin'!

_*Bert turns to the side of the stage*_

Bert: Let's see 'oo our victim- I mean main course is tonigh'. Will! Bring 'em in!

_*William carries a wriggling sack onto stage & dumps it onto the floor.*_

Bert: Hmm, Yes. Very nice.

_*Bert pulls Aragorn's hair so that he is standing on his knees. Aragorn has a gag in his mouth, muffling his protests.*_

Bert: Now, this is the perfect ingredient for Human steak drizzled with raspberry sauce.

_*Bert sets Aragorn on the kitchen counter.*_

Bert: We'll start by cleaning the meat.

_*Bert takes off Aragon's gag. Aragon bites Bert.*_

Bert: Oi! Why you 'ittle! Come back 'ere!

_*Aragorn bites off the ropes bindings & runs away, leaving an angry Bert with a bleeding thumb.*_

Bert: Well, looks like our dinner 'as run off. Guess we're 'avin nuffin' ta eat tonigh'. Farewell, I suppose.

Announcer: Will Bert get to cook something next episode? Will he get rabies from Aragorn? Will his foods taste awful? All will be answered next time, on Bert's Cooking Show.

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><p><strong>An**

**Yeah yeah, I know.**

**"SloTurtle, we waited this long for THIS?" **

**Sorry, but I haven't gotten everything completely laid out. So this is sort of a practice episode.**

**Trust me though, it'll get easier to writer better & longer chapters once we're further in the show.**

**Hope you enjoyed,**

**Toodles!**


	2. Flergema burgler 'Obbits pt1

**A/n **

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

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><p><span>Announcer:<span> Welcome to the all new Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!

Bert: "Welcome back! I understand that we didn't to cook anything last time, And I apologize for that. This time, we made sure that the main ingredient is unarmed."

*Bert opens large pot filled with broth, carrots, potatoes, and a tied up Bilbo Baggins.*

Bert: "Flergemaburgler 'Obbit stew!"

*Bert lights stove, heating the pot.*

Bilbo: "AHHH! Thorin, help!"

*Thorin munches on popcorn in audience.*

Bilbo: "Damn dwarves."

*Bilbo frowns at camera.*

?: "NO!"

*Tall, dark haired man swings in on rope and snatches Bilbo out of the soup.*

Bert:"Oi! You come back 'ere wiff my dinner!"

?: "John, oh my dear John! Did the big awful troll hurt you?"

Bilbo: "Who are you?"

Sherlock: "John, don't be more stupid than you already are."

*Sherlock carries still tied up Bilbo off stage, leaving a confused troll.*

**A.n**

**Sorry it's short... agin. I don't know if Bert'll ever get to eat his intended meal. Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, we all know how much trolls _love_ fanmail. Tehee.**

~ Toodles~

**Toodles!**


	3. Mail Time w The Cast

**A/n**

**This is a new part of the show called Mail time With Bert! I was thinking it could be at the end of every episode/chapter, but I decided to make one afterwards on the comments and things from the recent one. So yeah, enjoy.**

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><p><span>Bert:<span> "This is a new segment dedicated to you, my fans! I'm not quite sure wot to call it, but I'm sure you lot'll think of somethin'."

*Bert puts on tiny spectacles and looks at laptop*

Bert: "Our very first question for the show is from ToTeaOrNotToTea. She asks, 'I was wondering if there's a specific type of squirrel dung that Bert uses in his stew or would any type of squirrel dung do?'. Well, ToTeaOrNotToTea, that is a _very _nice question. Anyone you know will say, 'Aw juss put any ole squirrel dung in there, s'all fine!' Bah! Idiots the lot of 'em. I say, the absolute best squirrel dung for stew is southern fox squirrel. Now if you're lookin' for sauté's... then it's a whole different story."

Sam: "And don't forget to ask more questions or write fan letters in the reviews! *mumbles* Although, Bert's head is already big enough."

Bert: "Wot was that, 'Obbit!?"

Sam: "Uhhh... That's a wrap!

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><p><span><strong>A.n<strong>

** Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, I'll make sure Bert answers ****them all!**


	4. Human Shish Kabobs

**A/n **

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE RECIPES AT HOME WITHOUT TROLL SUPER VISION.**

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><p><span>Announcer:<span> "Welcome to a Hobbit Productions project, Bert's Cooking Show! Now for our host, Bert the Troll!"

Bert: "'Ello! I understand that today is an 'Oliday for the weak humans. So, in the spirit of 'Thanksgiving', I'm going to cook up a human dish."

*Bert puts on his spectacles and reads note.*

Bert: "Me mum's ole recipe for not other than 'Uman shish kabobs!"

*William lays tied up Savespot Productions and Nuka.*

Bert: "These specially voul_een_teered. Good, dedicated fans 'dey are."

*Bert wipes away tear.*

Crowd: "Awww..."

Bert: "Right, let's get the food started."

*Bert pulls out large, pointy sticks.*

Savespot: "Woah! Don't even think about it! Unless you want _**that** _going were the sun don't shine!"

*Nuka chuckles.*

Bert: "Oi, you two shut it!"

Nuka: "Never!"

*Nuka whistles, signaling for Rascavel Rabbits dressed as Wargs to run, scaring William, who was holding a lighter, which fell into a box of fireworks which blew up, also blowing up the TNT under the stage, shattering the floor directly under Bert, where he fell into a large pool of Pepsi and drowned.*

Savespot: "Yay!"

*Savespot's face sorta looks like (X3)*

*William dives into Pepsi to save Bert*

Announcer: "Uh... I honestly don't know what just happened... Bye?"

**A.n**

**Well, wasn't that a fun adventure? Don't forget to leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, we all know how much trolls _love_ fanmail. Tehee. And Happy Thanksgiving!**


	5. Mailtime With The Cast

**A/n**

**This is a new part of the show called Mail time With Bert! I was thinking it could be at the end of every episode/chapter, but I decided to make one afterwards on the comments and things from the recent one. So yeah, enjoy.**

* * *

><p><span>Bert:<span> "This is a new segment dedicated to you, my fans! I'm calling it Mail Time Wiff the Cast! Since Sam won't stay away."

*Bert adjusts his tiny spectacles and looks at laptop*

Bert: "Our first question is from savespot productions chapter 3 . Nov 16

'Bert, say I'm making a eleven cake for my grandmums's birthday. Should I use eleven royalty or just any old elf? (I prefer Mirkwood elves, they add that sweet honey flavor.)' True, Mirkwood elves add that needed sweetness for the cake. I do prefer the royalty, which are more refined and have a berry like flavor. Unless you like the woody, earthy wine kind of taste, then get an elven ranger. I do think I need to make an episode for this...

Next question is from wockerjabi

'It makes my world brighter to know that this fic exists.  
>Perhaps Bert's Cooking Show could have a guest appearance from Sam? I know Sam would have been a child when Bert passed, but surely this show is exempt from the canon timeline.' Well innint that sweeter than a Mirkwood elf? Wait- wot do you mean 'passed'?"<p>

Sam: "Don't worry about it, Bert. Good news is, I've got fans!"

Bert: " Bah- now you've got 'em going. Looks like he's going to be on the show more offen."

Sam: "The people love me!"

Bert: "S'pose you want to read the last one?"

Sam: "Of course. Morning Misty requests,

'Fili and Kili making Bert look like a fool. Please. Puppy eyes staring at screen.' You asked the right Hobbit, because I can make that happen."

Bert: "Make wot happen?"

*Fili and Kili jump out from behind chair*

Fili and Kili: "This!"

*Fili and Kili each grab one of Bert's cheeks and pull out*

Bert: "WHY I OT A!"

*Bert swings around, slapping his arms around and falls backwards*

Kili: "Try to eat us will you?"

Fili: "And then go after Mr. Boggins?" 'tsk tsk tsk'

*Fili and Kili sit down on Bert, resting their heads on their hands.*

Bert:"Get these maggots off me!"

*Sam chuckles and turns to camera*

Sam: "I'll be seein' you next time! And don't forget to make requests and ask questions! Also, don't be afraid to write me fan letters!"

Bert: "'Obbit!"

Sam: "Goodbye!"

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><p><span><strong>A.n<strong>

** Leave a review on what you want Bert to conjure up next, or ask him questions, I'll make sure Bert (Or Sam) answers ****them all!**


End file.
